Living In Christ: Living not with, but THROUGH Cancer – Michelle Ashwood-Stewart

Preface

I wish to start by declaring that I am not living with cancer!  However, I have lived through the diagnosis of breast cancer.  As a result I had to endure the devastation of facing my mortality, I had to grapple with the fear of surgery and treatment, and I had to make a decision as to how my faith would impact what I fondly called My cancer journey.

The Journey Begins

In September 2007 I attended a health fair and found myself moving towards the section where people were registering to get mammograms done – I was not quite forty (the magic age when you suddenly qualify for such tests) so I could not understand why.  I was even more surprised to hear myself asking if I would be allowed to do a mammogram, and persuading the lady in charge to allow me to have the procedure done.  Eventually she relented so I did the mammogram and promptly forgot about it.

You can imagine my shock and dismay when the results revealed that a “mass” had been found in my right breast.  I was horrified!  My friends had to remind me that lumps did not always indicate cancer – a fact that I was well acquainted with since two of my three sisters had previously removed benign lumps from their breasts.  I therefore relaxed and eventually went to get the ultrasound done in February 2008.

A second mammogram and an ultrasound confirmed that there was a solid mass in my right breast and the radiologist recommended a fine-needle biopsy.  This was an unsettling turn of events that needed more than just my own frantic prayers, so I appealed to my Prayer Corps and they not only laid hands on me but they also prayed for my complete healing.  I was reassured, but decided to go ahead and do the biopsy so that I could confirm the healing (consistent with Christ instructing the ten healed of leprosy to ‘show themselves to the priests’) and perhaps use the opportunity to testify that God was still in the healing business.

A crisis of Faith

When the Radiologist found the lump and proceeded to perform the biopsy, I was devastated.  I was also confused.  This became a crisis of faith for me because I had done what was required of me, but the healing had been denied.  The Bible instructs us to ‘pray believing’ and that was exactly what I done.  Why then had I not been healed?  I posed the question to God, but I received no response.  This was upsetting, because I felt that if God was not going to do what He promised to do in His word, then He really needed to explain why not.  It might sound presumptuous, but that was exactly how I felt so I had no qualms about expressing this to God.  There was still no answer.  Instead the enemy started taunting me about God’s silence.  I ignored the taunts and reminded God that I was not about to listen to the enemy, because I was unequivocally a child of God.  However, as His child, I felt I needed to hear from Him at a time like this.  My crisis of faith was met with silence.

God Responds and Reassures

I was led to accompany my husband, Roger, to another church where he had been invited to preach.  When I got there, it was clear to me that the Holy Spirit was already there ushering me in (Roger had been whisked off to the vestry to meet with the Minister).  I whispered to God that “surely the presence of the Lord is in this place…” and, sure enough the enemy quickly reminded me that I was still mad at God because He had not answered my request for feedback on His failure to heal me.  Again I ignored the enemy and turned to God and said “Lord, I am going to put away any dissatisfaction that I have with You and worship You today, even though I still feel that You need to talk to me”.  True to my word, I worshipped Him.

The ‘Praise and Worship’ was so inspiring that Roger decided to start the sermon even before the scripture passage had been read.  He was speaking on the story of Lazarus and, while he summarized the passage, I re-read the familiar story and asked, “Father, do you mean to tell me that Christ knew that Lazarus was dead and he still waited, just so that Your name could be glorified?”

And this might sound melodramatic, but I heard quite distinctly “precisely.”

“So Lord,” I continued, “are You trying to tell me that if You had healed me then, the doctors would have been able to explain it away and You would not have been glorified?”

Again, the answer was quite distinct, “PRECISELY“.

By this time, I was decidedly uncomfortable with the direction that the conversation was taking.  So I quietly said “Lord, I don’t like where this conversation seems to be heading, so could we continue it another time? I need to listen to the sermon.”  There was no answer, but I was led to look at the Minister of the congregation, then I heard the voice again:

“Do you see Rev. D  over there?”

“Yes, Lord.”

“And do you know that he operates in the office of the prophet?”

“Yes, Lord.” (I knew Rev. D more by reputation than in person)

“So if he tells you, will you believe?”

“Please Lord, I am not ready for this conversation.  Please, just allow me to listen to the sermon.”

Just before the benediction, Rev. D invited “the Man of God” (Roger) to the altar, and he asked me to come too.  So I went, as any dutiful wife would, and was not surprised when Rev. D  started to prophesy over Roger.  I was at ease, receiving his words with a confirmation in my spirit, when Rev. D turned to me and declared:

“And you, Woman of God; the month shall not end before you get some very bad news, but the Lord says to tell you that the latter days shall be brighter than the former days and though you may be perplexed and distressed and even depressed, He will be with you, for He is working His purpose out; in you and through you …“

Right then and there I knew what the results of the biopsy would be.

Fear

Sure enough, within a few days (on Thursday February 28, 2008), my doctor summoned me and delivered the devastating news.  I had been diagnosed with cancer in my right breast and needed to consult with a surgeon immediately.  The surgeon scheduled me for a lumpectomy, which I opted to do in March 2008.  I shared the news with my Prayer Corps and on Palm Sunday (the Sunday before the surgery), I went up for prayer at church.  My entire Prayer Corps came and stood by me at the altar!  God had provided friends to stick by me through this ordeal.  However, not even their presence was enough to dispel the overwhelming fear I had of undergoing surgery.

With tears streaming down my face I whispered to God, “Lord I am afraid. I know that You have not given us the spirit of fear, but I am so afraid!  Your word says that ‘Your perfect love casteth out all fear’, but Lord, I am truly afraid and if I should tell You otherwise, I would be lying.”

There was no verbal response from God, but I left the altar a little less fearful than I went there.

The Calm …

On the Tuesday of Holy Week, I went in for the lumpectomy and I was absolutely serene!  God had, once again, answered my prayer.  I went in smiling so much that the nurse commented on it and asked how come I didn’t seem to be concerned.  I responded that I realized that this situation was bigger than me, so I had referred it to my God, who could surely handle it.  She seems to have been touched by that response, which clearly came from the Holy Spirit.  After the surgery, I was miraculously allowed to go home so I went to church to testify about how God had given me the peace that passes all human understanding.  It was unbelievable!  I felt that God had reached down from heaven and lifted me up to His shoulder and cuddled me.

What peace.

Another Storm

When I returned to the surgeon after the lumpectomy, I was astounded to learn that he had discovered two other lumps in my right breast.  This was shocking, to say the least.  Three lumps, and two of them were malignant.  This meant that I had no option but to remove the entire breast.  Since neither of the two mammograms nor the two ultra sound tests had shown the other lumps in the right breast, how could I be assured that there weren’t any small lumps in the left breast that had been virtually ignored?  The surgeon was unable to re-assure me, but recommended that I consider going overseas to do the appropriate MRI.

As the impact of this news slowly sank in, I stoically left his office and went outside and bawled like a baby.  It was just too much.  Where was God? I could not face my family.  I just wanted to crawl into a corner and die.  Roger and I went to my workplace so I could find a secluded corner to cry while my sister deputised for us at home.  I bawled uncontrollably with loud heaving sobs that did nothing to console me.  I called my boss and was told that she was in a meeting.  However, the secretary felt moved to disturb the meeting and connect me to her.  It was the blessing I needed.  My boss left her meeting and drove to where we had parked and sat with me while I sobbed.  She held my hand and she prayed, then told me to take the next day if I needed to.  After that I went home, no longer crying my eyes out but still distressed and sinking into depression as I contemplated the enormity of this new revelation.

My God Delivers Again

The next morning, I did not have enough energy to get out of bed so I decided not to go to work.  After everyone had left the house, I had visions of demons grasping me by the ankles and pulling me into the slough of depression.  I did not have the wherewithal to resist.  I was fighting a losing battle.  The I remembered the last part of the prophesy “…and though you may be perplexed and distressed and even depressed, He will be with you, for He is working His purpose out; in you and through you …“.

That reassurance opened the way for the Holy Spirit to urge me to seek reinforcement.  I called my Minister, Rev. C, and my friend Marcia, who both came and ministered to me.  Rev had to leave soon afterward, but Marcia stayed with me until my husband (the quintessential workaholic) came home from work much earlier than expected.  Having been fortified with good solid encouragement from the Word, Roger and I easily decided that I would remove both breasts (he assured me that he had not married my breasts) even though my health insurance would only cover the removal of the right one.  The cost to remove both breasts and do the reconstruction that I wanted, was astronomical!  Where would the funds come from?

God provided from several sources: a benefactor that I had only recently met, a sponsored walk organised by my sister in Northern Ireland, an insurance policy that I had forgotten about, and a plastic surgeon who performed the surgery and provided medical care without having been paid a cent in advance.  In the final analysis, the funds were provided and the bills paid.

And Again!

Believe it or not, the pathology report indicated that there was indeed cancer in my left breast!  I felt vindicated and I recognized that God was truly with me through it all, just as He had promised He would!  The cancer was not particularly aggressive (the lumps were very small), there was no indication that it had breached the breast tissue and had been caught at stage one so, since we had been aggressive in removing both breasts entirely, there was no need for chemotherapy or radiation.  I am now more than four years through a five year regimen of tablets to prevent any recurrence, and I am well.

God is faithful and He answers prayer!

Mrs Michelle Ashwood-Stewart is a commissioned lay pastor in the United Church in Jamaica and the Cayman Islands.  This call to ministry was confirmed less than TWO years after her post-cancer diagnosis.