Contemplating Radical Love – Francesca Nuzzolese

A Rewriting of Lamentations 3

 

I am the woman who has seen painful days and nights

who has cried alone many tears

begging God to relieve her of her pain

yet seeing no light, no sign of change, no freedom in sight

 

Indeed, there have been days when I thought

the light may never shine again

Indeed there have been moments of aching

and pain all over my body and heart and soul

~ days in which I have feared I’d stay angry,

mutilated, brutalized to the core, for the rest of my life.

~ days in which I have longed to be physically dead

because I felt dead inside anyway.

 

In those days, I have felt like in a prison

chained to my destiny

unable to see or find the path

unclear about a direction

STUCK in my misery,

STUCK in my slavery,

STUCK in my nothingness

Captured in a life not worth living.

 

I have felt hidden from life,

mocked by the promises of old

–        a target of my self-doubt

confirming my unworthiness

mistrusting myself,

my life

and God

and love

and anything Bright and Hopeful.

 

I have felt embarrassed to show the marks of my vulnerability and pain

to friends

and family

and those who offered to help

~ afraid they would not understand

~afraid their looks may further my pain

and mock me instead.

In those days, I truly thought there was no God

Or place for God in this life we have created

And it was indeed all just a joke:

my birth, my breath, my body, my life, my love, my dreams, my future, my past

~ all senseless mud,

all but a bunch of misery

 

I have truly felt punched in the stomach

unable to move

life-less,

done,

done,

done.

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 Dr. Francesca Nuzzolese is Associate Professor of Spiritual Formation and Pastoral Care at Palmer Theological Seminary.  Her professional experience includes extensive experience in chaplaincy and pastoral psychotherapy, theological education, mission work, and (more recently) spiritual direction. Her work and ministry has taken place in a variety of cultural and denominational contexts, and over a few continents – which include Europe, Australia, and the USA. Her primary forms of ministry are currently in theological education and spiritual formation, and in private practice as a spiritual guide and pastoral counselor. As an ordained clergy, she is also involved in leading spiritual retreats and lecturing and teaching on psycho-social issues, here and overseas. Dr. Nuzzolese’s academic writings appear in The Journal of Pastoral Psychology, The Journal of Pastoral Theology, the Baptist Witness of Australia, and in Women out of Order (Fortress Press, 2009).