Rooted and Grounded in Love: When a Church Embodies Compassionate Communication – A Response to Transforming Church Conflict: Compassionate Leadership in Action – Kara K. Root with Theresa F. Latini

I pray…that Christ may dwell in our hearts through faith, as we are being rooted and grounded in love.   (from Ephesians 3:17)

Kara: If you had told me ten years ago that I would one day be pastoring a church that navigated a major reimagination of its life together after eighty-five years and was actively shaping its worship life in countercultural ways, I would’ve told you that you must have the wrong person.  If you had told me that I would deliberately put myself and my community into situations of conflict and strain, seeking to be present with each other in times of disagreement, I would’ve told you that you were crazy.  If you would’ve said that one day, I would be in a room full of wildly gifted pastors and highly respected leaders who were suddenly paralyzed by anxiety at a nail-biting moment of flared tempers and grave accusations, and that into that frozen silence, I would be the random unheard of person who would speak, in curiosity and compassion, a question that would eventually diffuse the moment and open space for mutuality, respect and communication, I would never, ever, ever have believed you.

When I became a pastor, I was pretty clear that while I loved many, even most, aspects of ministry, the thing I dreaded most and would work to avoid at all costs, was conflict.  I hid in the shadow of senior pastors for a few years, glad that I was not the one with whom the buck stopped. And only when it appeared that confrontation was inevitable, and a come-to-Jesus moment could not be dodged or frosted over, I would muddle my way through with trepidation and very little confidence.

But after two years in a difficult job, fraught with avoided conflict and heavy with unspoken fear, I had found within me a growing unwillingness to hide or flee from conflict, and a building desire to contribute to an authentic community of hope, willing to risk and be vulnerable and real, willing to ride out both celebration and mourning in honesty and cooperation together.

And then the Spirit led me to the community I now serve, a brave, creative bunch of folks who had looked death in the face and believed God had more for them, but weren’t sure at that point what it might be. As we dreamed and explored and took risks, Nonviolent Communication became a powerful tool in the process of redefining our life together as a church community.  We made a difficult and exciting decision as a congregation to experiment with a pattern of worship that would involve alternating our gathering times, taking two Sundays each month as Sabbath, and sometimes worshipping off-campus with kids at a local home for children. We are now approaching five years of shaping our life around ever deepening practices of worship, hospitality and Sabbath, and Nonviolent Communication enabled us to remain in connection with each other, to listen well and move forward into new and hard things alongside each other.

Theresa: I started as parish associate in the midst of a communal assessment of the significant changes experienced in worship. Though church members had readily signed on for newness, change is rarely easy and often triggers grief. As conflict surfaced, the elders facilitated listening groups designed to elicit the wide variety of feelings and needs—skills described in chapters two and three of Transforming Church Conflict: Compassionate Leadership in Action. We adapted the practice of “staying in dialogue,” a skill set “that supports our life in koinonia” (193). We structured multiple layers of dialogue and continued on our path with far less anxiety and much more unity and clarity of vision.

Kara: Because our congregation has been drawn into deliberately choosing to see and hear others, this has also prompted us to create intentional spaces for people to be seen and heard, especially in the midst of conflict and tension.  In the days just before the Twin Cities presbytery voted on opening ordination to persons in committed, same-sex relationships, various camps in the presbytery were strategizing to win. Our congregation sponsored a different kind of strategy session, a workshop called, “Disagreeing Well: How to Hear and Respond with Generosity and Hospitality.”

Theresa: Again, we drew on the basic skills of compassionate communication described in Transforming Church Conflict. We identified common needs (the third step in the NVC model) as we headed into this vote. We shared those needs with each other, without judgment or analysis or argumentation. Each of us then developed a strategy (the fourth step in the NVC model) to stay connected to these needs during the debate and vote.

Kara: We shared those strategies with each other, and we entered the presbytery meeting with our own strategy written on a slip of paper in our pockets. Sitting there knowing that others surrounded me with little slips of paper in their pockets, determined to see and hear one another—not as enemies but as sisters and brothers in Christ—was a powerful experience.

This then led us to sponsor another event several months later.  When a large gathering occurred in our city to explore the possibility of separating from our denomination, we held a two-day concurrent event called “Eats & Empathy.” We provided dinner and empathy training rooted in compassionate communication for people with a wide variety of perspectives and passions. Our goal was to help people stay grounded in the midst of difficult conversations about the future of our denomination.  These gatherings helped people to see and be seen for who they are, and they gave a forum and resources to connect deeply with one another, even across perceived boundaries.

Theresa: Part of the beauty of this event was watching enemy images fall away in a room filled with people who had experienced significant hurt in the midst of our denomination’s debates. Empathy heals. That’s a basic maxim of compassionate communication as well as the latest research in neuroscience.

Kara: Our incorporation of compassionate communication is an expression of hospitality, one of our defining church practices. Hospitality means, among other things, that we may not dismiss others without hearing them, and it invites us to make every effort to be heard.  This commitment once led us into a quirky and wonderful encounter with a former member. She wanted to fly the baptismal font across the country for a granddaughter’s christening. By entertaining instead of dismissing this conversation, we opened up a rich and fruitful dialogue about baptism, community, family and faith and the Church universal.  Now, often when we find ourselves at an impasse, a crossroads or a gridlock, when we’re faced with something confusing or challenging, we find it brings us even deeper in our commitment to be open to the Holy Spirit, open to each other, and speak openly from our honesty and conviction as well. To quote from Transforming Church Conflict, “assertive, authentic, empowering speech builds community” (117).

When conflict arises I still get that pit in my stomach.  I still wake up in the night nervous and fantasize that it just goes away on its own.  But I no longer feel afraid of it.  I know that God is present with us as we are present with each other.  And when I am feeling brave and trusting, I get a little excited to see what God will do through it.  Because right in the midst of every conflict we are all human beings, longing to be known, seen and understood, to have meaning and peace and contribution and wholeness. And so we continue being rooted and grounded in the love of Jesus Christ as we stick it out with each other and let the kingdom of God draw us in once again.

Kara K. Root is the pastor of Lake Nokomis Presbyterian Church in Minneapolis—a Christian community that shapes its life around worship, hospitality and Sabbath rest—a trained spiritual director, and a certified Christian Educator. Kara leads retreats on Sabbath-keeping and blogs about ministry and motherhood at in the hereandnow (http://kara-root.blogspot.com/)