Searching for Safe and Sacred Space by Kris Schondelmeyer

During my freshman year of high school, I had a powerful experience at a Presbyterian youth conference that led me to discern a call to pastoral ministry. A couple years later, in the summer of 2000, at a different national youth conference for the PCUSA, I was sexually assaulted and violently attacked by a Presbyterian pastor. My name is Kris Schondelmeyer, and I am a survivor of clergy sexual abuse.

From the moment I met that pastor leading up to the night the abuse occurred, he paid particular attention to me, buying me small gifts and making me feel special. I now know he was engaging in a process called “grooming” that abusers use to manipulate their victims. The night the abuse occurred, he used my perceived call to ministry to take advantage of my vulnerability and trust. I went to him to seek guidance about the difficult relationship I had with my father.  Earlier in the week, a friend started our evening prayer referencing God by saying, “Dear Dad.”  I went to that pastor to find out how I could have that sort of intimate relationship with God too.

After that violent sexual assault, I was ashamed and afraid, but somehow pushed it out of my mind. I had a few rough years where I made some painful and vulnerable decisions. But, eventually I refocused myself on school, on caring for my dad through his battle with terminal cancer, and on pursuing that calling into ministry that I had perceived during my freshman year of high school.

My father lost his battle with cancer in November of 2007. I was ordained as a Presbyterian pastor in October of 2010. Two years later, in November of 2012, I began having vivid nightmares of that sexual assault; something I hadn’t thought about in over a decade. In fact, the nightmares began on the fifth anniversary of my father’s death, about a month before my wedding. My wife and I used the first week of our marriage, not for our planned honeymoon, but for me to meet with a Psychologist to begin EMDR treatment to deal with what they called delayed PTSD.

I went online to research the pastor who assaulted me to find out if he was still in a position to hurt other children. What I discovered was truly disturbing. That pastor is currently in prison for child pornography and other violent sexual crimes. Moreover, he previously served prison time in the early 1990’s for felony child pornography charges. Multiple PCUSA leaders have admitted knowing about his dangerous history when he was commissioned as a pastor, and when he was selected to chaperone the national youth conference where I was sexually assaulted.

I decided to make a criminal complaint hoping it would ensure the offending pastor was held accountable. But, I was deeply heartbroken when a lawyer for the Presbyterian Mission Agency (PMA), the program arm of the PCUSA national offices, refused to comply with a court-issued subpoena requesting corroborating information about the conference where the assault occurred. Because my case was over 10 years old, the PMA’s refusal to comply with the subpoena effectively ended the criminal investigation. I felt betrayed, again, by the church that I trust and serve.

I tried working through PCUSA polity to find accountability in regards to the leaders whose decisions led to the abuse I experienced, but was informed that our Rules of Discipline bar any action because of a five-year time limitation. As with many mainline denominations, PCUSA polity is inadequate to handle the real circumstances involving clergy sexual abuse. Ergo, I eventually filed a civil suit hoping it would lead to institutional change and the protection of future children.

To settle the civil case out of court the PCUSA agreed to certain non-monetary actions, most importantly, an independent investigation into my case. The PCUSA agreed the investigation would be conducted by individuals who were neither staff nor officers of the PCUSA national offices. This stipulation was included primarily to ensure the independent nature of the investigation, and to get PCUSA attorneys out of the process so that there was finally a pastoral response to my case.

Disappointingly, an independent investigation did not actually occur, and a PMA lawyer claims the independent panel chose not to release any findings. I reached out to the Stated Clerk of the PCUSA, who has since retired, pleading for some answers. He eventually sent me a one-page summary of findings. However, that summary included verifiably false information, and minimized my experience, only saying I was “inappropriately touched.”  This is a tactic institutions use to avoid naming the painful reality of sexual abuse by one of their own.

Sadly, it’s been revealed that the PMA lawyer is concealing the truth in my case. Two members of the investigation panel have admitted that outside of speaking with me, they did not speak to a single witness in their so-called investigation. The sole witness interview that did occur was conducted by the PMA staff attorney, not the independent panel. And, all information the panel reviewed was filtered through the PMA staff attorney.

Even though the investigation panel only did a cursory review into my case, they have admitted that they did indeed turn in a report of findings, indicating the PMA attorney was not being truthful. The retired Stated Clerk has admitted that the one-page summary, which contained false information, was written by the PMA staff attorney, not the independent panel. Still to this day, PCUSA leadership has failed to conduct a truly independent investigation, and they refuse to release the panel’s report.

Their decision to conceal the truth is troubling, especially because two witnesses have come forward with deeply concerning information.  Before the conference in 2000, these witnesses warned the Executive of the Presbytery responsible for the offending pastor, because they knew of his conviction for child pornography charges. They claim that Executive demeaned them for speaking up, told them they didn’t understand grace and second chances, and threatened them with legal action to keep them quiet about that pastor’s criminal history.

The testimony of these witnesses gets to the heart of what actually failed in my case. It wasn’t a lack of a good protection policy or a background check that led to the abuse I suffered. Multiple PCUSA leaders have admitted knowing the offending pastor’s previous criminal background. The failure in my case, which is the same for so many cases of clergy sexual misconduct, is that multiple leaders ignored and concealed a pastor’s dangerous history, actively choosing to put young people into harm’s way. The “good ol’ boys club,” that ignores a pastor’s sexual impropriety in the name of protecting “one of their own,” is still alive and well in many mainline denominations.

This is the same failure that occurred in a recent case involving an offending pastor who was transferred from one Presbytery to another. Presbytery leaders in that case have now admitted that they knew of previous claims of sexual impropriety between this pastor and a youth, yet they chose to conceal that information and allowed the pastor to continue serving. Four different young men have since come forward to share their stories of being sexually abused by that trusted pastor.

What is sad to me is that after vulnerably sharing my experience with the PCUSA, there is still a huge gap that exists in my denomination putting children at risk of future abuse. That gap is the 5-year time limitation in the Rules of Discipline for bringing any case of misconduct in office, except for cases involving the actual offense of sexual abuse. But, because research proves that most victims of childhood sexual abuse do not report until years later, until they are in an emotionally and spiritually safe place to come forward, our Rules of Discipline effectively bar any way of holding the decision makers accountable when they ignore and conceal a dangerous background, and negligently put children at risk.

It’s extremely painful for victims to discover that church rules, as they currently stand, serve to protect those who protect abusers. When combined with the roadblocks and cover-ups that a victim experiences after coming forward, the pain of speaking out can be a worse betrayal of spiritual trust than the actual abuse itself. This has certainly been my experience.

Until we fix this gap in our disciplinary process, and demand church leaders tell the truth about past abuse, abusers will see the PCUSA, and denominations with similar polity gaps, as a safe place for them to groom future victims. I used to have hope the PCUSA was headed toward real institutional protection. Now, all I can do is pray. And I am praying…praying the PCUSA will finally chose truth-telling, because only in telling the truth will the gap in our disciplinary policy ever be filled. And, it’s only in changing our polity that we will truly create a church that is safe and sacred space.

The Rev. Kristopher D. Schondelmeyer is the Pastor/Head of Staff of the Presbyterian Church of Deep Run in Perkasie, PA, the furthest north church in the Presbytery of Philadelphia. He has served in ordained roles and as a lay professional in churches in Ohio, Illinois, and Missouri. Kris is married to Abby, a candidate for ordained ministry under care of the Maumee Valley Presbytery, and together they have one son, Alexander. Rev. Schondelmeyer did his undergraduate work at the University of Central Missouri in Speech Communication and Political Science, where he was awarded as the Outstanding Scholar in Speech Communication. He graduated from Eden Seminary in St. Louis, where he was awarded for academic achievement. Rev. Schondelmeyer has completed a Graduate Certificate in Executive Leadership from McCormick Seminary in Chicago, and a Graduate Certificate in Engaged Compassion through Claremont School of Theology in Claremont, CA.